Gen Y Dogma: A Eulogy For All The Things My Dog Has Eaten

Oh, precious items… how I long for thee, and what a horrible end you came to. Christina Peden longingly remembers a few of the items that fell victim to her dog, Matilda’s, gnawing habits – RIP.

If you’ve ever owned a dog, you know that some of your personal belongings will eventually be relegated to chew toy status — often against your will.

You accidentally leave something within your dog’s reach that they deem chew-worthy (which in my dog’s case is almost anything). When you come back, your beloved shoes, book, glasses or hat look like they’ve been through a meat grinder. It ain’t a pretty sight.

Related: Puppy Vs. Baby

We dog owners have long since accepted the inevitable destruction that accompanies puppy parenthood, but that doesn’t mean the losses don’t sometimes sting (mostly in the pocketbook).

And though I wouldn’t give up my Matilda for the world, I’d also like to take this moment to acknowledge the things I’ve lost along the way since emBARKing (hehe) on my pet parenthood journey just seven months ago.

Related: Calculating A Budget For Your Dog

This has been, by far, the most painful loss of all; not to mention the most recent.

As in, like, yesterday.

The inspiration behind this week’s article must have created a self-fulfilling prophecy, because a day after my editor suggested it to me, my glasses were toast.

And not just any glasses, mind you. These were $750 Bulgari glasses. Let me tell you: it hurts. Having a dog is not really conducive to donning designer duds of any fashion, but I got these long before I had Matilda. And really, I don’t give a hoot about designer labels. These were my first pair of prescription glasses and I tried on approximately a gazillion pairs at the store before deciding on those ones. Of course, they also ended up being the most expensive. Thankfully, I had very generous insurance at the time and only had to pay $35 out-of-pocket for them (otherwise I would never spend that much on glasses — are you kidding me?!).

And then yesterday happened. Sigh.

Today, I went and ordered a new pair of glasses for $120; not designer. Not as beautiful as my old ones, but they’re nice and I like them. And if Matilda does ever get a hold of them, the loss won’t be quite so devastating — $120 is a lot easier to swallow than $750.

Clearly, Matilda is not a fan of romantic comedies. Clearly, I do not agree with her assessment. Hugh Grant and Colin Firth in the same movie? Yes, please.

Of course, if your name is Matilda and you’re a nine-month-old Border Collie-Lab puppy, the answer is “Hell no! I’ll chew your faces off, you lily-livered Englishmen!”

Because, you know, that’s exactly what she did. Chewed through the DVD case, pulled out the DVD and had a play date with Bridget Jones. I was certainly in for a rude surprise when I arrived home from work that day.

And sadly, Bridget didn’t make it. Goodbye, my sweet Ms. Jones; we had a lot of chick flick-y memories!

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a DVD that scratched up, so congratulations, Matilda: you set a new record.

It would appear my dog is something of movie buff. She’s got quite the record, after all.

Not to be outdone, Matilda also wrought her destruction on one of Ryan’s movies: Labyrinth. Perhaps she’s not a Bowie fan either?

I remember coming home after work one night and finding Ryan’s copy of Labyrinth, plus some video games strewn across the floor. She’d never touched any of this stuff before, but Matilda had actually pulled these off a low-level shelf on our TV console. We’d never thought to move them out of her reach because she had never shown an interest. Wrong! She was definitely interested.

Thankfully, Jennifer Connelly, David Bowie and co. mostly survived this round. Matilda only destroyed the part of the DVD case and not the DVD itself.

Bridget Jones should be so lucky.

Apparently, my dog is trying to give me style tips.

She thinks I need a flat brush instead of a round one, since she squished my round brush into near-flat brush status with the sheer force of her jaws.

I have a vanity table of sorts set up in our spare bedroom where I do my hair and makeup every day before work and I’d left my round brush up on the table after using it that morning. Usually, I close the door to this room so Matilda can’t get in when I’m not around (she’s also been known to swipe my makeup brushes off the table!), but on this particular day I’d forgotten.

I came home that night to my round brush on the living room floor. Of course now, it was more like a flat brush, which I suppose Matilda thought would be more conducive to taming my naturally curly hair.

Thanks for the tip, girl.

As you can see, she also looks pretty pleased with herself in this picture I took.

As in, the actual wall in our apartment and not Pink Floyd’s The Wall, which I also have a copy of. I suppose Matilda is saving the destruction of my vintage record collection for a later date.

There’s nothing like opening the front door of your apartment to find your dog has chewed the heck out of the wall and baseboard in your front hallway!

Thanks to Matilda, I now know that the tenants before us had blue walls. The ones before that? Pink.

Apparently, when you use your gigantic dog teeth to gnaw the heck out of the wall, you also discover the interior decorating proclivities of your home’s former residents via scattered paint chips. Way to eat paint, Matilda! (Don’t worry, she’s fine.)

Needless to say, we doused the area in bitter apple spray and she hasn’t touched it since.

Alright, over to you guys: what’s the most valuable or important thing your dog has ever destroyed?

Christina Peden is a lifelong animal lover and avid wordsmith. She lives in Toronto with her boyfriend Ryan where they are proud pet parents to puppy, Matilda and cat, Oscar. In her spare time, she can be found enjoying Toronto, Canada’s all-too-short patio season, taking advantage of the city’s numerous parks or curled up with a good book.