Gen Y Dogma: 5 Reasons My Dog Is A Dick!

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Okay, so you might be balking a bit at the title of my column this week, but bear with me.

My inspiration comes from a post that appeared earlier this week here on PetGuide.com about a Kickstarter fund to raise money for a book titled “Puppies are Dicks” (if you’ve ever had a puppy, you know it’s kind of true… c’mon).

However, there is a positive purpose behind the book: author Eric Sims, inspired by his senior dog Penny, is writing it to educate people about the benefits of adopting an older or senior dog at the shelter, as opposed to a puppy from a pet store or breeder. Pet store pooches often come from puppy mills, so when buy them, we’re supporting this vicious cycle and a cruel, inhumane practice.

Related: Why Do We Think Puppies Are Cute?

It’s a hilarious book for a great cause, and it got me thinking about my own pooch, Matilda. At 10.5 months, she’s still a puppy and let’s be real: she’s kind of a dick sometimes. I love her, but it’s true. In fact, she’s dick-ish in a variety of ways — so many that I was actually able to come up with a list. So, without further ado, here it is: the five reasons my dog is a dick.

  1. She destroys the things I love

boot Yes — alllllll the things. So. Many. Things.

I’ve actually written an entire eulogy post dedicated to the things Matilda has eaten, but she’s done even more damage since then.

Her most recent snack? My $100 insulated Däv rain boots, which looked like riding boots and were actually super-classy (at least as far as rain boots go), mmmkay? They also don’t sell that style anymore, so it’s not like I can just go out and replace them. These boots were my FAVES. They got me through most of the winter (except the Polar Vortex) but they also didn’t look like clunky fall/winter boots. I wore them almost every day.

Last week, Ryan crated Matilda in the kitchen, which connects to the front entrance of our apartment where our coats and shoes are. Only this time, he forgot to put my beloved boots away. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks… Needless to say, I was not a happy camper when we walked in the door and saw my boots, one with gigantic hole chewed in it. Sigh.

Oh, and Ryan? You owe me some boots, dude!

  1. She pees on her own bed

Yep. I try and do something nice for her, and she (literally!) pees all over it.

When she was a puppy, I got her this nice, soft orthopedic dog bed. Apparently, she thought it was just a gigantic pee pad, because that’s exactly what she did to it.

We used a vinegar and water mixture to kill the pee enzymes and washed the bed cover. A month later, we tried to give her the bed again. What’d she do? She peed on it.

We’ve tried everything — laying on the bed with her, putting one of Ryan’s old shirts on it so the bed would have a comforting scent. Nothing has worked.

And then last week (the same day she destroyed my boots), Ryan left the bed with Matilda when we were out. When we walked in the door, not only were there pieces of boot everywhere, but also pieces of bed. Foam, fabric, you name it: it was all over the place.

So, uh… good job, puppy! I don’t really know what to say besides, “Hope you enjoy sleeping on the floor!”

  1. She acts like we starve her

I think this is basically universal with dogs — out come the ol’ “puppy dog eyes” whenever there’s food involved. It doesn’t matter if she’s JUST eaten dinner. If we’re having something, she has to have it, too.

And ooooh boy, the way she begs!  You would actually think that we starve her if you were a guest to dinner.

Honestly, how do dogs do it? Turn their eyeballs into woeful little pools of melted milk chocolate, heads on our laps like somebody just stole their favorite toy — all in a bid to tug at our heartstrings and share some of our coveted people food with them. And the sad thing is, sometimes it works! We take pity and share because they look so cute and sad.

“Dogs: pulling a fast one on humans since the dawn of domestication.”

  1. She has a jealous streak

Oh yes, heaven forbid Mummy and Daddy ever have a minute to cuddle to themselves. Puppy just has to wedge her way in there between us! Every. Single. Time.

Related: Study Shows Jealousy In Dogs Is Real

If we’re not paying attention to her, she’ll paw at us until we do. And she’s just so damn cute that it’s nearly impossible not to oblige — plus, who wouldn’t want to cuddle with their pooch? They’re so happy and full of love!

Matilda also can’t stand to see our cat, Oscar, receive attention at her expense. The second one of us starts petting the cat, all bets are off. Matilda does her best to squeeze in between the kitty and us and get herself some behind-the-ear scratches, too. I’m actually surprised her fur hasn’t started growing in green yet (y’know, from all the envy).

  1. She doesn’t know how to share

And by share, I mean the bed. This pooch just spreads herself out, taking up as much room as she pleases while Ryan and I are all contorted and scrunched up around her.

And I know some people might say “Well, just quit letting her sleep on the bed, then!”, and I suppose that would be an option… if Ryan and I weren’t such suckers for our dog. Neither of us actually has the heart to permanently banish her from the bed (and she knows it!).

Come to think of it, maybe this is why she mysteriously peed on the bed I got her… I mean, why sleep on a dog bed when you can have the real deal, right?

What a dick!

Okay, okay, okay — I hope you all know that I love my girl Matilda to bits and don’t actually think she’s a dick. Dogs give us far more than they ever ask in return, even if they do sometimes make us smack our palms to our foreheads and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. But still.

What’s the most dick-ish thing your dog has ever done?

christinamatildaChristina Peden is a lifelong animal lover and avid wordsmith. She lives in Toronto with her boyfriend Ryan where they are proud pet parents to puppy, Matilda and cat, Oscar. In her spare time, she can be found enjoying Toronto, Canada’s all-too-short patio season, taking advantage of the city’s numerous parks or curled up with a good book.


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